No Heaven For A G

I will start this post by saying that my boyfriend is absolutely amazing. He’s wonderful. He is everything I could ever want in a man, in a relationship, and even in a husband. It’s way too early to be thinking about marriage between the two of us (we’ve only been together maybe..2 months), but he embodies the characteristics I’d like to have in a husband. He’s sweet, he cares, he’s genuine, he’s funny, we have common interests, he’s intelligent, and he’s independent. He’s goal oriented, even if he doesn’t think so himself. He’s successful. He’s accomplished so much, and he’s so young. And, he wants to be a doctor. Did I mention he’s smart? And he’s also sexy. The way he carries himself, the way he dresses, just him in general. Yea, I’m gushing. But, he’s perfect. I’d never tell him he was perfect, though, because that is a hard expectation to live up to. But he’s perfect.

I’ve digressed. The point of this was to talk about the hardships in our relationship. It’s great, but it sucks. I find it kinda hard to believe he’s stuck by me this long. I’m willing to admit that everything that is currently wrong with out relationship…is my fault. I’ve always had a hectic life, and it’s just gotten that much worse here lately. Before, when I was with Derk, things were easier because it didn’t seem like he was out to get me. Now that we’re separated, it’s almost as if he refuses to help me at all. Especially if he thinks I need his help so that I can go out with my boyfriend. It’s tough. I’m mostly talking about help with the kids. If I want to do anything, I have to first make sure I have a babysitter. Then, money to pay the babysitter and still pay for what I wanna do. I wanted to go out this Friday night. I’m going out of town for the holiday, and I’m moving soon, and I just wanted a night with my boyfriend, where we can watch shitty movies and kiss and cuddle and be TOGETHER. I joked with him about sex, but honestly, it’s not even about sex. Yea, I want it. But I don’t NEED it. What I NEED is time with him. I had all my shit together. Time off work, I had my stuff packed for the trip, I had money set aside. Everything was put together. I just needed a babysitter. My primary’s birthday is this weekend, so she’s not babysitting. My backup is going to the Army Ball in Philly, so she’s unavailable. I don’t trust my mom or my sister with my kids. My oldest sister and my brother have two children of their own, and they’re both single parents. So no. So I thought I’d ask they children’s own father, who loves spending time with his children, if he could just watch them for the night. And he had the fucking nerve to say “No.” I asked him why, and he said, “Because, I don’t think you should be going out. You need to rest before you drive out.” EXCUSE ME. I’m a grown ass woman. I do NOT need you to tell me what you think I need to be doing. I had already had that worked out, too. My mother and I aren’t leaving out til midnight. Boyfriend has to be at work by 7. And my mom is driving the first leg of the trip. So, I get home at 8. Sleep til 12. Mom drives; I sleep while she drives. I could get in 9 hours of sleep. I’d be completely rested by the time it’s my turn to drive. I’m not irresponsible. I know what I need to do and how I will accomplish tasks I set for myself. YOU were just being selfish because you don’t want me to go out with him. You sit in the house all day, and work all night, and you don’t get to go out, and so I should just work and come home too? No. I’m not preventing you from going anywhere, so why are you preventing me? Because you need to control me. As if you don’t already have enough control over me, you want me to not date, and always be available to you. You scare me into staying, you use force when I try to leave, and when I just want to get out… to get away… you make it impossible.

I admit that, although I want to see my boyfriend on Friday, I was really just using it as a means to get away. I’m stressed. I’m unhappy. I’m emotionally exhausted. I live in an unhealthy environment. I just wanted to be around someone who was the opposite of everything else in my life. He probably doesn’t believe it when I say it, but he really is the only good thing in my life right now. I just need a fuckin break. A break from the tears and the crying and the suffering and the emptiness. I need to get away. From my mother, my sister, my ex, my kids, my shitty job, my shitty apartment… I just need a break. Not even a long one. Just a couple hours where I can smile again, and genuinely be happy, and not have to think about what I just left, and what I’ll have to return to. Is that too much to ask?