No Heaven For A G

I’m constantly giving people the sideeye and questioning people’s motives for doing the things they do to/for me. I don’t think anybody’s motives are pure, and I’ve managed to convince myself that everybody is out to get me. I guess I’m also a little paranoid.

In my everyday life, you can’t see my jealousy…or general distrust of people. But in my relationships, it’s the most evident thing. In my current relationship, which is just an jumbled mess… I’m seeing it a lot more. Maybe it’s because I actually care a lot about this individual, or… maybe it’s just because it’s been [7 months] a while since I was in a relationship with someone I was actually interested in. I don’t know what the reason is, but everything he does kinda pisses me off. I hate the way he interacts with females. I hate the way they interact with him. Sometimes, I feel like these…these BITCHES [for lack of a better term] don’t even know he has a girlfriend. And if they do, they’re just disrespectful, attention seeking WHORES [again, for lack of a better term] that don’t care. Either way, it just pisses me off. Maybe it’s because, given our situation… I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want him thinking anybody else is pretty or smart or sexy or anything he thinks I am. I’m insecure. I already feel inadequate. I feel like it’s a competition, and I can’t win.

I never say anything to him about it cuz I guess he isn’t really doing anything wrong, and I know that I’m being a little irrational.

But for some odd reason, it hurts. I see/hear these things he says, and I don’t know why… but it hurts. It almost brings me to tears because…

I don’t want him to leave me, and I feel like he might.