No Heaven For A G

That’s a given. Most people do.Fact is, I’ve been wronged in my past and, although I wish it hadn’t, it has affected me. I’m weary of relationships. Family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. Relationships in general. I’m not particularly close to my family. I’m very iffy about who I associate with and who I allow into my inner circle. And I’m definitely picky when it comes to dating.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m ready to date. I don’t think I’ve yet dealt with the things that have happened to me in my relationships. I haven’t accepted them the way I should. Right now, my mindset is “It happened. I deserved it. It’s my fault.” As much as I want to believe that I didn’t deserve it, that there was something wrong with them and not me, I just can’t convince myself of that. Most of the relationships I’ve been in, I’ve been abused in some kind of way, whether it be mental or physical, you name it, I’ve had a boyfriend that did it. I’ve been torn down so much that I’m unaware of my self-worth. I’m so scarred up. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel “worth it.” I’d like to think that one day soon, this will all change. That the clouds will part and the sun will shine through and I’ll be able to smile and be happy again. I hope know that day will come, but I also know that it won’t be anytime soon.

I’m afraid that while I’m trying to figure it all out, I’m gonna miss out on amazing people and experiences. I’m afraid that by the time I figure myself out, he’ll have passed me by. I can’t expect people to stick around forever. I don’t. I understand that being around me is difficult because I’ve built so many walls around myself and my feelings, but it still hurts when people just decide it’s not worth it. I’m afraid I’ll end up alone because when I finally figure myself out, it’ll be too late.

I’m distracted by B, so I can’t even figure this right now…