No Heaven For A G

I was sitting here watching “Lie to Me” on Hulu, and for whatever reason, I just started thinking. Well, for one, we’ve been out of the relationship longer than we were in it. I’m so used to being his girlfriend, even though my time spent being his girlfriend was short. I just loved that feeling, for whatever reason. And after the relationship was over, I wanted it to be defined. Are we friends? Are we back to being in a pseudo-relationship? Is it still a relationship? Why am I being treated like a girlfriend, and yet I’m not the girlfriend? I felt like I was in relationship purgatory. We still act(ed) like a couple, we were still “faithful” to each other (however that works), we still love each other, we still…we’re still us… But I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t have my damn title. And then, it started to piss me off. It really made me angry. How could he expect me to do these “girlfriend” things, and not call me his girlfriend? How could he expect me to change for him, but he wouldn’t even define “us”? It honestly pissed me off more than everything. And it really started to show. I came so close to hating him. He was putting me through it. But it wasn’t his fault and in the back of my mind, I understood it. I understand it.

And now, we’re 7 and a half months broken up. 7 and a half months of being undefined. Of being in a pseudo-relationship. And now… I feel guilty… for not wanting it back. But after so long of wanting it and not being able to have it, no matter what I did, I guess I just said “fuck it.” “Fuck it” is the best feeling in the world sometimes. Maybe one day… but not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even in the near future. And I suppose that’s fine by me…for now.

I just wanted to write something before my completely unrelated photo spam of Josue Sarrazola.

I guess it’s been a long time coming. Why do I feel like I been here so many times before…?

I just don’t get how I can fuck up something so perfect. I mean, I guess I see exactly how it happened but I still don’t SEE how the fuck it happened. I’m reading it over and over again and I get exaxtly what he’s saying… I just hate how everything I do comes off as me “pushing him away” when that wasn’t how it was at all. But that’s just how the fuck I come off to people. I seem all shut off like I don’t want people to know me. Truth be told, I don’t think I do.

I’m ranting. I just need to get this off my chest. This is fucked up. You fuckin suck. Why do it seem like you knew you was gon do this shit two days ago? Cuz you fuckin did. You knew then we was gon break up so why the FUCK you aint just say something then? How you gon tell me I shouldn’t drag the fuckin relationships out if I didn’t want it, when that’s exactly what the fuck you did. Then you gon close it out with “I love you, and if this was under different circumstances, it coulda worked.” DIFFERENT CRCUMSTANCES MY ASS. DIDNT I TELL YOU THAT FROM THE JUMP. I SWEAR I WAS SAYIN THAT FROM THE BEGINNING. BUT BECAUSE NOW THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL, IT’S A VALID REASON TO BREAK UP. oh. ok. fair enough.

I’m just venting. I’m not mad at you at all. In the end, it is what it is. And it isn’t what it isn’t. And what it isn’t…is me and you. No more Bru. No more Brubru. That’s the fuckin part that sucks the most. Didn’t I tell you I wanted this forever?

Oh. I forgot. I don’t emote. I don’t tell you how I feel. That’s all in my head.

Now I’m just being snarky. That was completely unnecessary.

I wish I could just hate you. From the depths of my soul. I wish I could just replace every emotion I’ll ever feel in life… with hate…for you.

But. I can’t. Whichn is even worse than if I could.

Ugh. This blows.

But at least you can be happy now.

Good for you.

I have a habit of telling people I don’t want to love them. I just see it as me being honest, but everybody else says it’s rude, so I stopped telling them. I keep it to myself. And if they ask me or bring it up, I lie. So I guess I am a liar. I promise I’ll lie about it everytime anybody asks me.

I don’t think I deserve to be loved. That’s why I never want to love anybody. Because they’ll never love me back. I guess I just don’t know no better…

I will start this post by saying that my boyfriend is absolutely amazing. He’s wonderful. He is everything I could ever want in a man, in a relationship, and even in a husband. It’s way too early to be thinking about marriage between the two of us (we’ve only been together maybe..2 months), but he embodies the characteristics I’d like to have in a husband. He’s sweet, he cares, he’s genuine, he’s funny, we have common interests, he’s intelligent, and he’s independent. He’s goal oriented, even if he doesn’t think so himself. He’s successful. He’s accomplished so much, and he’s so young. And, he wants to be a doctor. Did I mention he’s smart? And he’s also sexy. The way he carries himself, the way he dresses, just him in general. Yea, I’m gushing. But, he’s perfect. I’d never tell him he was perfect, though, because that is a hard expectation to live up to. But he’s perfect.

I’ve digressed. The point of this was to talk about the hardships in our relationship. It’s great, but it sucks. I find it kinda hard to believe he’s stuck by me this long. I’m willing to admit that everything that is currently wrong with out relationship…is my fault. I’ve always had a hectic life, and it’s just gotten that much worse here lately. Before, when I was with Derk, things were easier because it didn’t seem like he was out to get me. Now that we’re separated, it’s almost as if he refuses to help me at all. Especially if he thinks I need his help so that I can go out with my boyfriend. It’s tough. I’m mostly talking about help with the kids. If I want to do anything, I have to first make sure I have a babysitter. Then, money to pay the babysitter and still pay for what I wanna do. I wanted to go out this Friday night. I’m going out of town for the holiday, and I’m moving soon, and I just wanted a night with my boyfriend, where we can watch shitty movies and kiss and cuddle and be TOGETHER. I joked with him about sex, but honestly, it’s not even about sex. Yea, I want it. But I don’t NEED it. What I NEED is time with him. I had all my shit together. Time off work, I had my stuff packed for the trip, I had money set aside. Everything was put together. I just needed a babysitter. My primary’s birthday is this weekend, so she’s not babysitting. My backup is going to the Army Ball in Philly, so she’s unavailable. I don’t trust my mom or my sister with my kids. My oldest sister and my brother have two children of their own, and they’re both single parents. So no. So I thought I’d ask they children’s own father, who loves spending time with his children, if he could just watch them for the night. And he had the fucking nerve to say “No.” I asked him why, and he said, “Because, I don’t think you should be going out. You need to rest before you drive out.” EXCUSE ME. I’m a grown ass woman. I do NOT need you to tell me what you think I need to be doing. I had already had that worked out, too. My mother and I aren’t leaving out til midnight. Boyfriend has to be at work by 7. And my mom is driving the first leg of the trip. So, I get home at 8. Sleep til 12. Mom drives; I sleep while she drives. I could get in 9 hours of sleep. I’d be completely rested by the time it’s my turn to drive. I’m not irresponsible. I know what I need to do and how I will accomplish tasks I set for myself. YOU were just being selfish because you don’t want me to go out with him. You sit in the house all day, and work all night, and you don’t get to go out, and so I should just work and come home too? No. I’m not preventing you from going anywhere, so why are you preventing me? Because you need to control me. As if you don’t already have enough control over me, you want me to not date, and always be available to you. You scare me into staying, you use force when I try to leave, and when I just want to get out… to get away… you make it impossible.

I admit that, although I want to see my boyfriend on Friday, I was really just using it as a means to get away. I’m stressed. I’m unhappy. I’m emotionally exhausted. I live in an unhealthy environment. I just wanted to be around someone who was the opposite of everything else in my life. He probably doesn’t believe it when I say it, but he really is the only good thing in my life right now. I just need a fuckin break. A break from the tears and the crying and the suffering and the emptiness. I need to get away. From my mother, my sister, my ex, my kids, my shitty job, my shitty apartment… I just need a break. Not even a long one. Just a couple hours where I can smile again, and genuinely be happy, and not have to think about what I just left, and what I’ll have to return to. Is that too much to ask?

Reacclimate to my surroundings back in a city that just seems to eat itself and all I really wanna do is get back into you. No tension no worries, but every time it comes around I find grey ways to let you down, I can’t control my instincts, why can’t I be happy just to call you a friend. I thought things could be different, maybe I could do some good, come home spent to unemploy a past from Hollywood. Some things can change everything despite their rights and wrongs, I’m getting reacquainted with my lower self. Teach me compassion from your fragrant continent, while you’re at it you can resurrect my family, while you’re at it you can summon Christ and part the seas, while you’re at you can pulverize my chemicals. I’m so sick of trying to fight my body and you at the same time. I am righteous in my anger! All I have to give you is my lower self, I will sing of how we made love like strangers, and all I have to sell you is my lower self, oh how you are so petty as the post-punk kids you pity, how you swear by the myth that you’re not beautiful, and nothing ever seems to work the way that it gets planned, so we turn away from everyone that loves us, hypnotized by waves our lives are deer blocking the lane, we can just sit back and watch it all go up in flames, till every note every chord sounds the same, it goes boom boom boom boom boom on my ego, it goes boom boom boom boom boom but I don’t mind it anymore cuz it can only go boom boom boom for so long, until it hurts you more than it hurts me, and nothing ever seems to work the way that It gets planned so I turn away from everything that hurts me, climb back into a cloud of smoke my face close to the flame, cameras pulling back , leaving you left off the frame, it’s a party and you’re not invited.